Tuesday, 25 August 2009

A Writer’s Jealousy

The whole room sat, suspended like cheese marionettes, in anticipation of his opening sentence. It had to be marvellous, for he was marvellous – a sexual conquistador in an amphitheatre of sallow pussy. With a triple-twitch of his marvellous eyebrows, he tantalised the room, sending the professors into giddy bubbles of delight, and at last – oh, at long last! – he began.

“The moon is big ball of rock,” he said.

The room erupted. It was as though Christ had delivered a freeform scat solo to his disciples in an extemporised fireball. Several spotty wannabe Bukowskis slit their wrists on the table while the busty wannabe Plaths drank up their blood in ravenous slurps. A tribal dance began towards the filing cabinet – a primeval nude stomp to the impenetrably suave and perfectly magnificent rhythms of their marvellous deity.

The professor, drunk to the death-tits on absinthe, slurred his last few words to the genius.

“Wh-ee-ere d-d-d-do you g-g-get your ideas from?”

“Oh, wherever. I’m so unbelievably charismatic and charming that genius orbits around me 24/7.”

Beneath the table, four women were scrabbling for oral ownership of his bronze cock, while the toadies dusted the dust from his jacket, licked the coffee reams from his mouth and drank in the frighteningly potent aroma of his genius. His sentence was picked up and subsequently awarded the Thing Prize For Words In A Good Order Thing and everything else in the world pertaining to literature and marvellous, beautiful writing men.

Oh, what a man!


  1. Highly fantastic read. Who is that sexy, sexy beast in the photo. For lack of a better name I'll call him husband number 3.

  2. That's me after I write Harry Potter and the Amphitheatre of Sallow Pussy!

  3. Good question Theresa. Google search the words "charming" and "handsome" and he'll turn up somewhere.

  4. Branimir wishes! Teresa, you already gotta man so I'm gonna havta fight ya for your sloppy seconds. Oh and to M.J. Nicholls, great read. But you know that and why am on not on your 'Blog Brothers' wall?

  5. Why, my dear, you are currently at the top of my illustrious blog list! Hark at your fame and shed not a tear!