A Missive From Dave

Dear Unwashed Pleb Scum,

Comrades! The recession is upon us! Apart from learning to survive on one can of refried beans per month, citizens of the UK must rise up and unite in the Campaign to Fuck Arts Up the Ass (CFAUA).

The remit of the CFAUA is to drain money from trivial things like art galleries, literature, film trusts, so-called ‘creative’ university degrees, and redistribute funds into far more crucial things like schools. We must educate our children to read and express themselves, so that they can shut the fuck up and earn a proper living in call centres.

If you are a ‘writer’ you are at risk. You are a drain on the system and you must take the following course of action:

1. Stop writing at once! There is no place for the action of fictitious beings in favour of real action! Be honest with yourself: you have nothing unique to contribute to the arts. You are wasting your own time. We have enough literature.

2. Join the dole queue. Under our new Jobless Slave Bitches Scheme, for a recompense of £20.81 per month, you will be sent to work down the sewers. You will store up to four gallons of liquified human shit in your chest and throat until it is redistributed in a location no-one cares about, such as the North.

3. You must report to the Jobcentre every afternoon to have creativity slurped out of you by Bob. He left school when he was sixteen and knows the value of hard work, and he would like to tell you about it for nine hours a day. We will perform raids on your home when you are out to check for pens, computer documents or paints.

4. You are to have electrodes put in your brain. Any creative impulse you have will result in a powerful shock to every nerve ending in your body. If you reach five shocks, you will be pronounced clinically dead and your money will be stopped.

Yours in-this-together,

Dave Cam, Cambridgeshire Mansion #171