Thursday, 9 December 2010

Excuses, Executions

No-No #1: Apologising in dialogue for your ineptitude.

“You can’t put all your eggs in one chicken before it’s hatched,” Momus said.

“What?” Mimus asked.

“Oh, ignore me. I’m always mixing my metaphors.”

“You know what my mother used to say. If you can’t catch the cat, catch as catch can,” Momus said.


“Oh, don’t listen to me. I was never any good at proverbs.”

No-No #2: Geographical idiocy to avoid research.

“Where is it?” Memus asked.

“It’s near the big building on that really long street in the centre of town,” Mumus said.

“How do we get there?”

“We’ll follow the traffic along the long road that leads to the centre of town and stop at the train station.”

“What station?”

“The central one.”

“How will we know we’re there?”

“There’ll be a sign.”

No-No #3: Surprise yourself out a hole.

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you,” Momus said.


“Well, it’s something that’s been on my mind for a while now, and I’ve been meaning to get around to telling you?”


“It’s hard to find the words, Mymus. I want to tell you that—”


“I want to tell you—”


“I want to—”


“Oh God! Not another piano. When will they stop dropping pianos on our lawn when we’re having these conversations? Right. You get the brush, I’ll get the dustpan.”

No-No #4: Fill a page with affirmatives.

“So did I tell you about Mmmus?” Meymus asked.


“Really cute.”


“Really tall.”


“Likes ham.”


“And carrots.”


“And muesli.”


“And suicide.”


“And drugs.”


“And Drano.”


“And despair.”


“And me.”


“Shut up.”

“Oakie dokie.”


  1. No-No #01:
    "Oh no! I've been shot in the head, the heart, two kidneys, stomach and then set on fire" cried Meymus.
    Then he woke up.

    No-No #5:
    "Meymus, I AM your father/sister/brother/mother..."

    No-No #6:
    "Looks like we're surrounded. I think this is curtains for us" said Meymus.
    Shots rang out and all the bad guys dropped dead.
    "Hey Meymus, lucky I got here just in time" said his friend and sidekick (despite the fact that he was half-way around the world just 20 minutes ago).

    No-No #7:
    "I reprogrammed the computer so I could beat the no-win scenario" said Meymus.

    No-No #8:
    "I was going to kill you Meymus, but instead I think I'll kiss you".

  2. *snort* Oh, very nice. Mock the inept. Though I'm feeling an odd urge to go read my MS with a big red pen.

  3. Love these. Luv these. Luf these.

  4. Mike: Lemme title these. #1 is Dream your way out of hole. #5 is Star Wars homage. #6 is The suspension of time. #7 is something to do with no-win no-fee solictors. And #8 is the Barf Bucket.

    Hart: Not mocking. More a reminder. For my sake.

    Chris!: Hello! Have good day in Nashvegas!

  5. Yes-yes #1:
    Weak, inept, incompetent, weedy, social outcast (except one male/female/boy/girl/bitch recognises some spark), but heart of gold woman/man/boy/girl/dog finds they have secret power and make God look useless.

  6. Mike: Did I write that? Or did you? The drugs don't help none.