Thursday, 2 June 2011

Lunch With Cruella Collett

I lunched (or dined) with Cruella Collett, Vice President of Japan, as we were straddling a fault line, trying to halt another earthquake with our sandals. This might explain the cross-purposes nature of our chat, and why we have meatballs in our hair. Any reference to restuarants is the result of two much seismic shuggling.


Hello. Thank you for sharing this lunch (which is really a dinner) with me. I hope this green mankini is not too informal an attire for our meet, but my other outfit is in the wash. So: tell me about your latest novel.

Green is my favourite colour.

That is also the title of my latest novel. “Green is my Favourite Colour.” It’s a satirical musing over transgressions in the lower social strata of small Italian villages, frequently involving pasta of the unboiled kind.

Speaking of which – should we order?

That’s very interesting, whatever you said. I especially liked the words you used. Tell me, what’s the proper procedure for mounting a giraffe? And, once mounted, for safely riding one?

I like how you are listening with your heart.

“The giraffe is my favourite animal.” That is the title of my upcoming non-fiction coffee table book. It explains in detail how to respond to questions asked by people who will not listen to the replies. I am considering also making a fiction coffee table book tackling the same, touchy subject, at the first possible date. It will be starring Nicole Kidman and Sean Penn when it is adapted sometime in 2013. The world’s first coffee table film, actually.

What four things would you keep in your pouch if you were a kangaroo version of your present human self, with your present human brain transferred into the kanga cranium?

Aside from coffee table books and films, you mean? Well, I suppose I’d keep a kanga-kid or two in there. Make it four and I’ve answered your question.

You’ve written many novels, praised for their length. Your last book was over 4000 pages long and twice as long in endnotes. Honestly, how do you write so much? What is your secret?

Blindfolds. I never reveal to myself where I am going, and in my confused state lengthy novels (and non-fiction coffee table books) are my only escape from this harsh reality. Once I found myself at the top of the Empire State Building. I had no idea how I was supposed to get down again. There were tiny planes flying around my ears, and some nagging lady trying to make me put her down. After this experience I wrote the 2553 page long tome “Taking the King out of Kong”.

You are, famously, from Norway, or pretend to be from Norway, and have travelled recently to Japan, or pretended to have travelled to Japan. What is your favourite thing about America?

“Nigeria is my favourite African country.” That is a title I have yet to use.

What is your solution for dealing with needy street urchins?

I’m not sure you should have ordered those. Your face is turning green. In “Green is my favourite colour” I describe the feeling of being able to observe other people’s discomfort, but without opportunity to free them, since the Lobster Mafia is keeping a tight claw.

I think you should consider reading that.

Can you pass the meatballs, please?

Did you know that the famous movie “Lady and the Tramp” was set in this restaurant? I hear they keep a commemorative dog leash somewhere around here. Oh, good, you found it. I’m not sure you ought to wear it, though...

What would you do if all parentheses were banned from now until March 4, 2034?

(Oh, no! I would surely perish and forget to write my haiku-sci-fi-mash-up “For whom the metal bird


No more.”


Thank you for lunching (dinnering) with me. I’m a little short right now, so could you get the bill? Thanks, you’re a star.


  1. *dies* Ohmygawd. I literally fell off my chair. Okay, not literally, but figuratively, and i DID literally laugh out loud, even when most people only figuratively laugh out loud when they say that. You two are the best interviewer interviewee pairing I think I've ever seen.

  2. ROFL - So funny. Thanks for the fun interview. Oh, and I'll be making meatballs for dinner. =D

  3. Hello Hart & RaShelle. Glad to bring a chuckle.

  4. Slander and insult - I claim misquotation!

  5. You mean pink is your favourite colour? Call the printers!

  6. I ditto Hart. Literally laughed out loud.

    But the way you captured the true essence of Cruella is a talent few possess. I feel closer to her than ever before.


  7. I'm delighted you think so. I think she enjoyed it. My blog is eco-friendly.

  8. Odd. I left a comment yesterday, but it's not here. Hmmm. Love it. Funny, you people..