Luka on the Second Floor

Dear Luka,

You live on the second floor. You live upstairs from me. Yes, I think you’ve seen me before. I am Charles Harold Ottridge, I live on the first floor. Frankly Ms. Luka, I am fed up with the noise coming from your apartment. I have tried repeatedly to contact you in the evenings, but when I knock on your door, you or your husband refuse to answer. It is not my concern whether you choose to participate in domestic violence, but I would appreciate if you would do it with less volume, as some of us like to relax in the evenings after a hard day’s work.

Yours,

Charles

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Dear Charles

I received your letter with concern this morning. I am sorry about the noise coming from our apartment, but I assure you it is not domestic violence. I am a very clumsy person and I often trip on stairs and bash my face on walls on so on. This often happens in the evenings and so the noises you hear are me having my accidents. Please don’t report these noises to the landlord, we are quiet people really and do not want to cause a fuss.

Yours,

Luka

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Dear Luka,

Thank you for your rather clumsy reply to my original letter. As I said, what goes on in your apartment is not my concern but I would ask that you keep these “accidents” to a minimum in the evenings or I will be forced to speak to the landlord about the noise.

Yours,

Charles

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Dear Charles

I received your letter and I wanted to know why you are so unhappy that you have to make threats to me. I told you I will try to keep my accidents to a minimum so why do you have to threaten me? I want to know why you are such an unhappy man that you would write these things.

Yours,

Luka

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Dear Luka,

I can assure you I am perfectly content, providing the volume of noise decreases in your apartment.

Charles

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Dear Charles,

Men like you make good graves.

Luka

P.S. My very long and very miserable and squirmily playful story Maybe Tomorrow is up at Blue Lake Review.