Monday, 28 September 2009

Inseminate the Dropouts!

Where I come from, the secrets of the universe are found nestled between fag ash and spilt cider. The path to truth and enlightenment is buried beneath a burnt out Ford Fiesta and the road to happiness is littered with poo-filled potholes and malnourished dogs.

Perhaps I exaggerate. Perhaps the scenic vista of the local youth club – renowned for its popular stabbings – or the condemned corner shop where teens go to smoke dope and spit at things is vastly underrated. Perhaps.

However, it has come to my attention recently that too many fourteen-year-old girls have been getting pregnant ‘round my (former) way. And, as an alumnus of this village, I should have the civic responsibility to confront this depressing trend and come up with a solution. Or not.

See, I have conflicting thoughts about my hometown. Firstly, my parents – who are pretty good guys – live there. Likewise, my aunts and uncles and cousins and sisters do too. Good guys. However, I can’t help but find it rather amusing it when news of civilisation crumbling reaches a place I know. Perhaps it’s pride.

Hurrah, I think. My village is the crummiest in the country! We have the most pregnant aimless self-loathing junkies in the whole of the UK! Go hometown, go hometown! This is amusing. It is also amusing since I know these ne’er-do-wells are hardly a threat. See, much is made about aimless school leavers turning to crime and drugs.

Crime, admittedly, is the one downside to the dropout culture. However, teenagers on dope shagging each other and spitting out sprogs are the sweetest little fuckers in the world! Oh, sure… they’re about as pleasant as a deep-fried testicle slathered in vinegar, but… bound together in a mutually hopeless situation, cashless, stressed out, and doped-up… they’re cutie-pies! They might ask you for a tenner for dope or nappies, but they aren’t going to shoot your granny.

So I say… let’s keep the current generation of teen mums and dads tucked in smelly slums on copious amounts of dope and let the government’s rehabilitation and hardship schemes take care of the infant later.

Viva la backwater shitehole!


  1. Gee, I wish you'd gone on here. For a moment, I thought you were actually going to stand some moral ground and pronounce judgement. Go on, try it. If others agree it can be quite addicting, make you run for office, volunteer for church service, you know - traditional, futile attempts at changing the world.

  2. You're right, Derek. I could change the world by handing out free needles to the under tens and confiscating condoms from teenagers. Then, when everyone (men included) is pregnant, I will rule the world! Mwahahaha!

    Or something like that.