Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Various Miseries

Last week my bisexual wombat left me.

WOMB: It’s not you, it’s meat.
ME: What?
WOMB: I have to be around more succulence. You do not satisfy my succulence needs.
ME: I can change.
WOMB: I’m afraid it’s not going to happen. I need to be with a lover who is on hand with pork chops, lamb cutlets, chippolatas and veal slabs at the click of a whisk.
ME: You carnivorous pustule.
WOMB: Insult me all you like, honey. Come Monday, I’m outta here.
ME: Please, let’s discuss this.

Last week I lost an opportunity to have an interesting conversation with a PERSON.

PERSON: So, I’d better be going then.
ME: I’ll come with you.
PERSON: Umm . . . OK.
ME: So how have you been?
PERSON: How have I been what?
ME: You, your general wellbeing. What state are you in?
PERSON: Why, are you a doctor or something?
ME: No, just wondering.
PERSON: Actually, I think I’m going to go this way.
ME: OK, see you later!
PERSON: Don’t think so.

Last week I was interviewed by The Right Side of My Brain:

TRSOMB: What have you been doing apart from the surreal blog bullshit?
ME: I have been writing various stories and submitting to various publications.
TRSOMB: Wow, what an incredibly boring life you have.
ME: Yes.
TRSOMB: Is that it? Do you ever get any pussy?
ME: No.
TRSOMB: Wow. What a chump. I mean, even David Shields gets laid from time to time, and he’s balder than a peanut.
ME: Yes, his hairlessness does render him somewhat sexless.
TRSOMB: So go on then, tell us what you’ve been writing.
ME: I have been writing an action-adventure lipogram based around an evil race of word-munching Pacmen.
TRSOMB: Right. And you think that’s going to win you the Pulitzer, do you?
ME: Suppose not. What would you prefer I wrote about?
TRSOMB: Things we care about.
ME: What things?
TRSOMB: Like what’s happening on the planet right here, right now. The state of the world as it limps from recession, from war – the crumbling edifice of democracy. That stuff.
ME: Piss off.
TRSOMB: Well, don’t blame us if you never get to boogie with Zadie Smith at Bloomsbury.
ME: Ha ha.
TRSOMB: Thank you for talking with us, Harold.
ME: It’s Mark.
TRSOMB: We don’t care.


  1. *snort* I have a wombat joke, but first I have to explain that in Australia, the word ROOT is used as a synonmyn to the word fuck. So now you ought to be able to follow.

    How is a man like a wombat?

    He eats roots and leaves.

    Which is barely funny, except that I consider myself an honororary Australian. And you made me snicker, so I had to pretend to have something funny to say in return... it's an insecurity thing.

  2. Does Australia still have Willie Wombat? (Willie is penis in UK kid talk).

    I know Mark (Harry) fibbed to TRSOMB, but I won't tell.

    Was the above a fitting "Last comment for two weeks" comment?

    Will it win me a Pullizer?

    Will I spend my last days, the winter of my life, in a wheel chair saying "I knew Mark when they said he wouldn't win a Pullizer"?

  3. Tart: Bloimey, mate. That was a funny one. It's too hot over here in Oz to have a sense of humour, but I smoiled. Why are you an honorary Aussie, mate? You a convicted British criminal?

    Mike: To win the Pulitzer, you have to write a book about a minority group, exposing the corruption and misery at the heart of their lives. Not the Welsh. No Welshies will ever win the Pulitzer.

  4. I giggled. Me like Harold. I mean Mark.

  5. Mark:
    I lived in Wales -I'm NOT Welsh!

    I could do one on Malaysia/Malaysians - a real tear jerker, with the moral "First, you have to want to help yourselves. Not say 'What to do La'."

    But then I would be arrested, beaten with a rattan, put in a cell, and made to eat rotten fish/smelly dried prawn flavored rice!