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Imagine my dismay. I borrow the handsomely packaged McSweeney’s #27 from the Writers’ Room and take it home to my boudoir. Instead of three hours of athletic intercourse with my Dutch supermodel girlfriend, I decide to read this glorious tome. “No, Famke,” I say, “put those luxurious bosoms away. Tonight I am reading the greatest literary quarterly on Earth.” “Go screw your hand!” she fumes, leaving me at once.
So, I snuggle up nice and warm and I read the first four stories which enchant and beguile and irritate me in that way we McSweeney’s readers adore with a passion. And then… I arrive on page 121. And what name do I see before me? Yes… STEPHEN KING.
Stephen ‘I can write five novels in my sleep’ King. Stephen ‘who needs proofreaders when you have nine houses?’ King. Stephen ‘I’ll take £300K for my next novel and toss in a few Persian slave brides while you’re at it’ King. What is this one-man capitalist pig doing bedizening the pages of McS with his SHIT?
And I mean this quite literally, for his story, ‘A Very Tight Place’ (what a title, Stephen! How many Pulitzers would you like for that?) is a scatalogical outpouring of ordure not fit for the lowliest bum-wiper in Henry VIII’s court.
The protagonist (generic homosexual based on what Stephen images the gays must be like) finds himself imprisoned in a portable toilet (ha-ha-ha-ha, oh Stephen, you are SUCH a cheeky muffin!) after a feud with a neighbour (Random Resentful Bastard With No Motive #109).
And so… for the next sixty pages in MCSWEENEY’S (the supposed benchmark of literary excellence and America’s trailblazing short story compendium) I have to read about a cardboard gay tunnelling through shit so he doesn’t have to die of starvation in a portable toilet. How apposite, Stephen! Could you be making a self-deprecating remark about we readers? Oh, ho-ho-ho! You ARE funny.
BUT COULD YOU PLEASE TAKE YOUR POO JOKES ELSEWHERE AND STOP CLOGGING UP THE PRECIOUS PAGES OF THE BEST LITERARY QUARTERLY IN THE WORLD WITH ANOTHER OF YOUR REVOLTING SHITCAKES? THANKS, STEVIE.
Shame on Dave Eggers. Am I to believe Stephen was actually PAID for his contribution? If he donated a special wing to one of Eggers’s education centres, I might forgive him. But I doubt that. I suspect King saw McSweeney’s and said: “Hey, that looks hip and cool. I want to get in that. Here’s something I wrote when I was stoned at Charlie Sheen’s mansion. Toss that off to the urchins, my current secretary.”
My final plea:
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, STEPHEN: PLEASE STOP WRITING! YOU HAVE TO STOP! PLEASE STOP! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SUFFERING YOU CAUSE? OH, HAVE SOME HUMANITY! STOP! STOP! STOP!
Oooh, this made me giggle with a tingling sort of pleasure. I'll have to teach you the word "skadefryd" sometime... I am not sure which one of you I pity the most, though - you (who had to suffer through it) or Stephen 'I have no idea how this will end so let's throw in an alien' King (who enjoys the dubious honour of being the disappointment of the literary-intellectual elite around the globe, I presume).
ReplyDelete*cackling madly* I love how you put things, Mark...
ReplyDeleteMostly I just want to say, "yeah, what Mari said' though. I have a love/hate relationship with King--he made me a reader, and for that I will always thank him, but... yeah... poo tunnels? not so much.
I suspect McSweeneys is trying to expand their circulation beyond literary circles. A distinctly capitalist move.
Is it wrong that this post made me want to go find that issue and read stephen king's story?
ReplyDeleteCC: What is "skadefryd"? Is it Norwegian for "Please go away Stephen you are an irritating washout?"
ReplyDeleteTart: Definately. That's what was so disappointing about King's appearance. Then again, McSweeney's never had any anti-populist stance to begin with, it formed in its own weird vacuum.
Brandz: No! It is cursed! Save thyself!
I've no valid oppinion of Mr King, as I've never read anything of his. I have watched a few films based on his stories, and they were mediocre.
ReplyDeleteI've also never read McSweeneys - it's not available here and I don't have credit cards.
So, why am I commenting?
Because I love it when you go all caustic!
See, I may be the Grumpy Old Man, but you are the Grumpy Young Man! :)
Buzz off, granddad. :)
ReplyDeleteKing sells.
ReplyDeleteNote the defiant period at the end of my first sentence.
McS doesn't do this for giggles.
Note that other period.
I doubt McS would miss a few critical readers if they picked up circulation 2000x because of SK's article. I'm sure they expect you'll get over it.
You will get over it, won't you? No harm, no foul, numbers are up!
Personally, while I agree that King is flippant with his topics, and his characters over the years have become redundant, and that he often panders and condescends to stereotypical non-majority classes, I do like his punchy third-person deep POV, his ability to draw up a precise setting, and the fact that he can sell a 1000 page book in any language on any shelf on the planet.
Heck, he can even sell an article about a shit-slinging gay dude to a literary magazine.
Maybe you missed his metaphor. Fudgepacker is a name any one of his characters might use to refer to a homosexual. Racial and derogatory slang is a key part of his dialogue.
Get it?
- Eric
All valid, Mr. W. Trant, but in my head McSweeney's is a literary utopia where new talents soars high and mighty and reaches readerships without the aid of big-hitting authors like King.
ReplyDeleteThose who bought McS #27 knowing King was involved probably only read the King story and skimmed the rest.
No one's really benefitting except Mr. K. And Selling a 1000-page book in any language on the planet is impressive, but only if the contents of that book happen to contain something remotely readable.
And they don't. :)
PS If I missed any heavy irony in your comment I apologise.
There are thousands of "Become Succesful" and "How to Have a Great Relationship" books that are extremely good sellers throughout the world.
ReplyDeleteTo my mind, they are also works of fiction - so they are relevant to this discussion.
McSweenyeys take note and commission Anthony Robbins (the motivational speaker and author)at once.
McSweeney's has become so bland these days that I foresee such an occurrence. ::cries::
ReplyDeleteI have no opinion on King either. I do, however, have an opinion on Eggers. I just read his book The Wild Things based on the children's book. Sooooooo many typos. What the? I've never seen so many typos in a book. Not just typos. Grammar flubs. Awful. And the weirdest thing is that he thanks particular proofreaders in his acknowledgements. Hahahahahahaha.
ReplyDeleteI'll look into this. I'm still in two minds about Eggers and his genius.
ReplyDelete