We asked three pupils of Roswell High Class 2B what was their idea of fun:
Daniel sez:
“I want to be the delete button on a keyboard. If I was the delete button on a keyboard I would backspace the novels of Iain Banks and Nicole Krauss and I would delete mummy’s divorce papers. But fantasies aside, what I do for fun is I fill balloons to bursting point with custard then drop them on the heads of teachers after school. I have the power to dematerialise at will so they never find out who slathered them in yellow goo. Ha!”
Phil sez:
“My idea of fun is to go up to girls and kick them in the shins again and again until the blood oozes out their legs. Then I lick it up and lick the back of a stamp and I say: ‘Your head’s bleeding Your Majesty!’ After that I go to the pond and have a nice sit down while the cygnets carry me aloft to their secret poker den where I play crabs for chocolate coins and whip some swan ass. Later on I like to watch re-runs of The Norm Show.”
Nicola sez:
“I think it would be fun to put the Prime Minister David Cameron on a blimp bound for Qatar and make him start a new life there among the Qataris, eating boiled rabbit and porkscrews. Later on I think it would be fun to represent Niger in the African Song Contest. The singer could come on and attempt to make an audible vocalisation before collapsing onstage from the kind of food deprivation that makes every action we ever do in the West look like pissing against a giant tree day in day out, forever and ever. I also like darts.”
**
We asked three pupils in Class 2B at Roswell High what they would do if they woke up as an ape:
Daniel sez:
“I wish I was an ape in the evenings. If I was an ape in the evenings I would hang around the school gates spooking the teachers. I would knuckle-walk up to that sandal-wearing nonce Mr Almott and slap him so hard around the gums he’d need a new set of teeth to learn basic Esperanto. In the evenings I would sip tea on a tyre suspended from a tree and go “Hoo-haa!” while masturbating so hard my legs would snap off.”
Phil sez:
“If I was an ape I would have corrective surgery and become Phil again. I like being Phil because the other kids in the class know my awesomeness as Phil gets them places, gets them into social places where the cool people hang out and share nectar, Dolmio pasta sauces, back copies of New Scientist, and stylish hombergs as worn by Frank Sinatra. I love being Phil and being an ape would crush the essential me-ness that makes me (Phil) great. ”
Nicola sez:
“If I was an ape I would talk to the other apes about how great it is to be an ape. We’d scratch our bums and gurn at tourists and swing from branches and rut without shame and perform basic tasks that make humans think we’re like them only hairier and uglier. Then I’d do a poo in the shade and feel bad about having a zookeeper clean it up but secretly smirk that I’d made a human being mop up my excrement and I’d giggle like this: “Hoo-ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ha!”
**
Daniel sez:
“I want to be the delete button on a keyboard. If I was the delete button on a keyboard I would backspace the novels of Iain Banks and Nicole Krauss and I would delete mummy’s divorce papers. But fantasies aside, what I do for fun is I fill balloons to bursting point with custard then drop them on the heads of teachers after school. I have the power to dematerialise at will so they never find out who slathered them in yellow goo. Ha!”
Phil sez:
“My idea of fun is to go up to girls and kick them in the shins again and again until the blood oozes out their legs. Then I lick it up and lick the back of a stamp and I say: ‘Your head’s bleeding Your Majesty!’ After that I go to the pond and have a nice sit down while the cygnets carry me aloft to their secret poker den where I play crabs for chocolate coins and whip some swan ass. Later on I like to watch re-runs of The Norm Show.”
Nicola sez:
“I think it would be fun to put the Prime Minister David Cameron on a blimp bound for Qatar and make him start a new life there among the Qataris, eating boiled rabbit and porkscrews. Later on I think it would be fun to represent Niger in the African Song Contest. The singer could come on and attempt to make an audible vocalisation before collapsing onstage from the kind of food deprivation that makes every action we ever do in the West look like pissing against a giant tree day in day out, forever and ever. I also like darts.”
**
We asked three pupils in Class 2B at Roswell High what they would do if they woke up as an ape:
Daniel sez:
“I wish I was an ape in the evenings. If I was an ape in the evenings I would hang around the school gates spooking the teachers. I would knuckle-walk up to that sandal-wearing nonce Mr Almott and slap him so hard around the gums he’d need a new set of teeth to learn basic Esperanto. In the evenings I would sip tea on a tyre suspended from a tree and go “Hoo-haa!” while masturbating so hard my legs would snap off.”
Phil sez:
“If I was an ape I would have corrective surgery and become Phil again. I like being Phil because the other kids in the class know my awesomeness as Phil gets them places, gets them into social places where the cool people hang out and share nectar, Dolmio pasta sauces, back copies of New Scientist, and stylish hombergs as worn by Frank Sinatra. I love being Phil and being an ape would crush the essential me-ness that makes me (Phil) great. ”
Nicola sez:
“If I was an ape I would talk to the other apes about how great it is to be an ape. We’d scratch our bums and gurn at tourists and swing from branches and rut without shame and perform basic tasks that make humans think we’re like them only hairier and uglier. Then I’d do a poo in the shade and feel bad about having a zookeeper clean it up but secretly smirk that I’d made a human being mop up my excrement and I’d giggle like this: “Hoo-ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ha!”
**
Wonderful. I love this. I do not love that you're beating me again at Lex, but I love this. :)
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