Wednesday, 27 July 2011

My Latest Book

Blue in the Face: Confessions of a Bitter Smurf

Cast out from the magical land of the Smurfs, Billy Baxter has some things to say about his former colleagues. In this riveting and no-holds-barred account, Billy—formerly Sissassis Smurf—reveals how his colleagues used to fill his white hat with diseased sarsaparilla leaves, leading to nasty bug infestations in his hair. “They would seduce me to sleep with the magic flute, stick this rotting plant in my hat, then wake me up with a slap on the cheeks. It was fun at first, but soon maggots were coming out my nose. It was disgusting.”

Billy reveals how his attempts to widen the Smurf language fell on deaf ears. “I wanted to add more verbs into the lexicon, but all they wanted to say was Smurf-this, Smurf-that. It severely weakens communication to have one universal verb denoting all actions. I would ask for a glass of milk and Sassette would pull down my trousers. The animators hadn’t drawn the bottom half of my body, so I was a hovering torso for months on end.”

Billy was a talented Smurf innovator, but the other Smurfs were envious of his abilities, and suppressed his ideas. “I designed the packaging for the original berries cereal, and came up with Smurf pasta. Hefty and Clumsy couldn’t take being outdone and locked me in a shoe for three years. By the time they let me out they had become millionaires—for their brilliant cereal packaging and Smurf pasta. I was furious, and hungry.”

Learn how the Smurf BBB burnt down the Green Smurf village in a frenzy of racial hatred. How Lazy and Dreamy are ruthless capitalists, exploiting young Smurfs for cheap labour. How the original Smurfs, the Schtroumpf, were put into concentration camps and exterminated. How the flute with six holes is a standard flute with perforations. How Smurfs are adept at business English and political rhetoric, and often sell arms to Kuwait. All this and more in a shocking exposé of a deadly cartoon fear regime.

Order from Schtroumpf Memorial Books, Price: Dependent on Personal Skills


  1. Hey! You're casting this as a movie now, too, aren't you? Just this morning, my friend Joanne said she'd been told she was too white, too tall and lacked a beard or a hat. She was devastated she'd never get to play a smurf.

  2. Ha! Well, there's a vacancy now Bill's got the boot. If she can keep her mouth shut, she's got the job.