Wednesday, 5 January 2011

2011’s To-Do List

1. No more all-night coke and speedball binges at Mam’s house.
2. Release Dougie Vipond from the cardboard cage.
3. Come up with better story titles.
4. Try to remember postmodernism died sometime in the early eighties.
5. Stop seducing orphans with promise of cake and rice.

6. Get more haircuts.
7. Get married and leave Edinburgh forever and go live in a cave with my monkey bride.
8. Try to write things for money.
9. Eat way more chocolate and custard.
10. Get an MA and contrive some long-term writing plan.

11. Avoid doing menial work at all costs.
12. Buy another Eels album.
13. Let Lisa Germano know how thigh-chafingly awesome her music is to me.
14. Try to behave like a grownup.
15. Buy a shirt.

16. Improve my writing an inch or two.
17. Bring about the collapse of North Korea by planting the rumour that Kim Jong-un is a gay.
18. Watch Love Actually and laugh once.
19. Write about things I care about and people I care about.
20. Make one unbelievably hilarious and perceptive comment at a social function then remain quiet for the rest of my life.

21. Read more books than is healthy.
22. Reinvent trip-hop by hitting trashcans against geese beaks.
23. Make a drunk person eat the sick they’ve expelled and shout: THIS IS THE LIFE YOU’VE CHOSEN.
24. Kill more flies.
25. Ply Poles with pliers.

26. Remember that listening to an intense or emotional song is not the same as having a serious moment of self-reflection that will pave the way for a new outlook and consciousness.
27. Lick more stamps face-up and chuckle.
28. Marry the Dalkey Archive Press.
29. Critique a fence.
30. Keep going.


  1. A thigh-chafingly awesome list, my friend. Good Luck with them all. P.S. - Love Actually is my all time fav. Will you still like me now?

  2. Don't you try to ply me, young man! ;)

    No 9, def.

  3. But will you do coke and speedball binges at my house?
    Otherwise, it's a stellar list.
    The Middle Ages

  4. Jen: Of course. And you should really read this.

    Kasia: Chocolate custard for all!

    Barb: Sure. But I have to be in bed by seven.

  5. Well, you have your work cut out for you. I'm glad I live a thousand miles I don't have to eat my own sick.

  6. Don't worry, Chris. If you're really smashed I might beat you at Lex.