The Naps I’ve Taken Listening to Lou Reed

Jan 2nd 2006, Lou Reed – The New Year’s Day aftermath. I wanted to sleep all day, stuffed as I was with sherry and chocolates. I wanted to avoid the wrath of my Auntie Jen. So I spun this tame, overcooked debut album and entered dreamland around Lisa Says. Yawn.

Feb 28th 2006, Sally Can’t Dance – Suffering a bout of insomnia, I lay down on my bed with the record sleazing in my ear. As the eternal dullness of the sensationalizing glam rock began, I soon felt woozy. I passed into unconsciousness as Lou impersonated a cat.

May 18th 2006, Rock ‘n’ Roll Heart – On a car trip to Galashields. I was looking forward to catching some Zs before we saw my cousin Paul, so I put on this embarrassing stoner soul album and drifted off to the farting awfulness of Banging on My Drum.

June 1st 2006, Metal Machine Music – Insomnia again. I was asleep in the first thirty seconds of this ear-bleeding snoozefest that even Lou hasn’t listened to. I had many nightmares.

July 19th 2006, Street Hassle – On a bus going to Paris. I struggle to fall asleep on public transport. I’m frightened someone will nab my possessions, and besides – it’s so uncomfortable. But as I listened to the barely audible, murky fuzz of Dirt, I soon caught forty winks.

August 31st 2006, The Bells – Coming home from a stag do. A little tipsy, in that half-life between alert and sozzled, I needed rest. Listening to the murky disco funk of this appalling album, I fell onto the lap of my friend Jeremy, who never spoke of the moment again.

September 30th 2006, Growing Up in Public – Visiting the wife’s parents. Her father, a BNP canvasser, wanted me to sign a petition banning Pakistanis from being alive. I went upstairs and put this record on my Walkman. Over the weird, campy music, I zzzed.

October 8th 2006, The Blue Mask – Playing draughts with Bill Bryson at the Google HQ in Maine. Bill wouldn’t stop chatting about his nephew’s cur Steve Davis Snr. Jnr., so I slipped this dated, plodding album onto my W-man, and drifted off as Lou declared, ‘I love women, I think they’re great.’ Nice one, Lou.

November 7th 2006, Legendary Hearts – My birthday. To escape the ritual humiliation at the hands of my Uncle Simon, I plopped on this album, and soon dozed off under its dated bass and banal words. So banal, Lou!

December 25th 2006, Mistrial – Having scored drugs from my mate Scootie Pie, we gatecrashed an Xmas gathering and took heroin at Cath’s flat. I wanted to let the spectral pleasure seep into my dreams, so I needed sleep. I put on this plastic, modish, laughable, embarrassing album from a 44-year-old Lou, and... zzzzz.

January 30th 2007, New York – My boyfriend Corg wanted to make love to me, but my penis hurt from the abuse I had given a squirrel the previous night. I had to go to sleep to shut Corg up. I placed this spoken-word dirge-fest on, snoozing as Lou mumble-spoke his droll garbage.

February 2nd 2007, Magic & Loss – So I didn’t have to speak to Alan Coxin, who was coming over the hill, I needed sleep right away. So I hooked up this plodding and banal and dull and lifeless and without-interest album from Lou’s can’t-be-arsed period.

March 17th 2007, Set the Twilight Reeling – Just saying the title of this album sends me to sleep.

July 4th 2009, Ecstasy (2000) – I wanted to get some Zs after my squash game with Gore Vidal (who had previously whipped my ass 90-10). By the ninth rhyme Lou found for 'mad,' I was gone.

March 56th, 2010, Hudson River Wind Meditations – At last, an album designed to send me to sleep! Thanks, Lou, but you needn’t have tried – you’ve been doing it well enough for decades.

Lou Reed albums I like:

Transformer
Berlin
Coney Island Baby
New Sensations
The Raven