Saturday, 16 October 2010

How to Get Off the Floor

1. Left hand on the carpet, right hand on the chair. Push downwards and lift body upwards. Use legs to stand upright.

2. Repeat “things will be OK” four hundred times.

3. Eat a chocolate cake and think back to a time you were happy.

4. Use an internet dating site and arrange to meet someone worse off than yourself.

5. Ignore all TV, radio, newspapers, online news sites. Leave shops when current affairs are discussed.

6. Cry daily.

7. Become close to someone vulnerable. Attempt a “relationship” but don’t show too much interest.

8. Remember that life is an absurd prank played by a teenage God. Nothing anyone does matters anywhere to anyone.

9. Have intercourse. Borrow money.

10. Stay in bed as much as possible. Read many books.

Happiness is a rare commodity. To space tourists, Earth is sagging old man with goitre. Get over it.


  1. Hey! I've been traveling for the past few days. Um, quite a happy post. Everything OK?

  2. James Blunt was visiting. It was rough.

  3. Amazing how you can be both heartbreaking and funny at the same time. Sending maternal hugs, xo B

  4. 1. I don't have a chair.
    2. I can only count to twenty.
    3. Thinking, thinking, failing...
    4. She wanted to marry me.
    5. Bloody yahoo mail keeps puting flashing news items on the home page.
    6. Can I shout 'daily' instead, my crying voice is a bit weedy.
    7. The small spider kept climbing onto me, but it was vulnerable so I ended up accidentally crushing it. I pretended not to care though.
    8. I prefer his banana skin slapstick jokes, the more elaborate ones shoot over my head.
    9. I tried fucking a tenner I borrowed, got a paper cut somewhere vulnerable.
    10. Reading in bed gives me shoulder and neck ache. And I often spill my coffee on the sheets.

    You used the 'commodity' word, here come the buyers and sellers again asking for options.

    I am old and sagging, but no goitre, so guess I belong here after all.

  5. Bab: Hugs always welcome.

    Mike: The floor might prove a more suitable place to read. Personally I favour a curvy-backed chair with cushion, with another chair to rest my legs on. Failing that, upright in bed with two pillows. Bliss.

  6. You just described my current state of mind/"life"/level of functioning. Well, 7/10 of it. I'm gonna try #1 soonish.

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