Thursday, 21 October 2010

Clamjamfried Chicken

Old school faces are emerging from the swamp of my past. The female ones wear too much makeup (inch-thick mascara or mad rouged cheeks) and the male ones look like alcoholics. Time is a harsh mistress with teeth marks and iron thighs. We are powerless in her thrall.

Instead of cowering in horror, I look upon this as a fresh start. I never spoke to most of them at school (or at stool), so this time around, I can be erudite and witty and lecture them on the importance of gelatine. Or, alternatively, I can ignore them in a whole new era in a whole new medium. The agony of choice!

I am losing the will to blog. There are only so many spoofs, fakeries, writing posts, rants or reviews one can manage in a lifetime. In the future all informative blog posts will be downloaded from the brain anyway, via the iBrain application, Wordpress compatible too!

Oh—I met a writer the other day whose girlfriend is an inbuilt ego fluffer. He hands his elfin love pup his latest scribble and she heaps praise upon his genius. I ought to get me one of those. Mrs Q is a harsh critic and loves poking holes in my ideas. (Which is great, but it hurts sometimes). Having said that, she offers praise only on ideas that chime with her sensitive outlook. None of this cold postmodern flimflam for her, oh no!

You must read Inish by Bernard Share. This darling book quivered my heart in a special way. (Through formal experimentation and daring originality of language). I can’t explain what it’s about. It defies all explanation and that’s why I love it. Order now.

I would also like comedians to lay off Catholics for a while. I understand you are vexed that the Church has a crooked side and that invisible deities aren’t your bag . . . but shut up now. We get it. Move on.


(Picture: Jan Van Eyck self-portrait, 1433?)


  1. That is one handsome dude. I particularly like the bed sheet on his iBrain.

  2. Jan is a man. Wearing a fetching tablecloth turban. Sex personified.

  3. Yeah, comedians - leave us alone.

    By the way, I'm here because I found your suggestions to Alex J. Cavanaugh (regarding ways readers can help writers) to be both interesting and effective. Keep up the good work.

  4. I don't care how they market it, blogger/ wordpress compatible or not, I do not want iBrain.


    Please don't lose the will to blog. I love your posts. They are insightful, thought-provoking and always humorous.

  5. Hear, Hear! Someone chain him to his computer. Quick!

  6. Nicki: Hello! Yes, I'm sure Alex found them effective too. Ahem.

    Chary & Chris: OK. I will stay put for now. More coffee please.

  7. So is there a way to get a pirated copy of iBrain that is compatible with my laptop, because I don't have an iPhone or even a cell phone, but I could use iBrain. I bet it could transfer novels to the page while we sleep!

    As for critical partners... Mr. Tart tells me I write crap even though he's never read a word (because he can't tolerate anything that uses imagination) so it could be worse. The up side of him not reading it, is I can use him as a character with some regularity, and that is cathartic.

  8. Ha -- we must have shared the same iBrain app today as our blog-posts are on strangely parallel paths. Except yours is maddeningly genius. And the only teeth I can get into anything are kinda yellow. Anyway...

    The Middle Ages

  9. Hart: Of course! It's in production now, along with the iCritic. I'm thinking of replacing my partner with one. (If she's reading this now, only kidding and I'll have that intercourse now please).

    Barb: Teeth are overrated. Which reminds me, I've been meaning to visit the chocolate shop on Nicolson Street. Anyway.

  10. I don't date at all. I prefer that people be honest about how they think of my work.

  11. At least, not exclusively one person.

  12. Looney: Yes, me too, but too honest equals hatchet in head. And you should never date someone with a hatchet in head. Those relationships don't last.