Sunday, 10 October 2010


I am often accused of a lack of resolve, which is fair enough, since resolve hasn’t been required in the Nicholls clan since the reign of James III.

The latest accusation got me thinking on functions I could perform in the next World War. The conflict will be one of autosuggestion: armies invading nations and then ascribing the whole thing to Philip Scofield. Or that pugnacious gawm Danny Baker. There should, for those with no transferable skills at all, be a namby-pamby regiment.

Our reg will specialise in having nervous breakdowns and killing four thousand men in one concentrated attack, writing novels from our safehouses about how awful things have become, and having counselling sessions. War isn’t easy for the neurotic. You have a major breakthrough in counselling and then someone blows up your dog. How long’s that going to take?

We’ll use our violin bows as stabbing weapons. We’ll hide inside bomb-proof sofas. We’ll act nonchalant throughout the whole war and pretend nothing interesting is happening. Yup.

I want to design the British Army’s new uniforms. There’s not enough fuchsia in those combats.


  1. Would James Blunt have to re-enlist?

  2. A true namby-pamby spends the war filing documents and then, after going back to civvies, rants against gun laws, talks up revolution for the true Americans, and cries when he can't open a tin of beans.
    His wife bosses him, his kids swear at him, and he writes treatises on 'discipline'.

    Decent people, however, wear their "I'm a namby pamby" t-shirt with pride.

  3. James Blunt Suicide Squadron! Attack! *cheers from the croud*

  4. I agree with the fuchsia. It would make them a lot easier to spot out in the field too.

    I'm glad you're aspiring to militarism. I'm getting fed up with all the existing wars, so it sounds like an excellent plan to make a few new ones. Can I have exclusive access to all your archives? You are aware you need archives, aren't you? How else would future historians get any bull written? (That was a lot of questions in a row?)

  5. You are my official archivist. Make sure you write about my cowardice, fear of loud popping noises, and inability to spell "crowd" in blog comments.

    3, 2, 1... hide!!

  6. Yay for mamby pambies! And archiving the process of the pinkification of the enlisted... You know, it is not everyone who can wear fuschia--it goes particularly bad with pasty complexion, so you may want to consider expanding into rosebud pink and carnation pink. Then the lot of you would look like a lot of pretty flowers, and it certainly should help the self-esteem.

  7. I believe you also need someone to be the overseer of all things bulletin board. Every good plan has walls of bulletin boards to be filled, and I think I could be just the gal. For the fuchsiafication alone you would need hundreds of paper dolls, test materials, shades of fuchsia, etc, all of which need to be on bulletin boards to be taken seriously.

  8. Hart: We'd be too ashamed to fight. Or look like we're naked and scare the enemy away with our digusting bodies. You might have solved this... thing.

    AK: Consider yourself hired. You had me at fuchsiafication.

  9. I don't like bulletin boards, but I'm not being insistent about this.

    I like post-it notes stuck on a plain white wall.
    I thing post-it notes do come in fuschia.

    Bulletin boards use pins, and pins can be sharp.
    A friend of my cousin's wife's brother-in-law knew someone that pricked their finger on a bulletin board pin.

    Even with post-it notes, you have to be careful - you could get a paper cut, which stings for ages.
    Paper cuts are as bad as grass cuts, and I don't let my children play in the grass because of them.
    As long as you don't play with the post-it notes you should be safe though.

  10. I've never had any post-it-related injuries, but I agree grass it lethal. The Countryside Alliance oughta bannit.