I would like to apologise to the following:
1) Bonnie Raitt, for fourteen years sneering at your accessible Grammy-winning C&W stylings.
1) Jem Finer, for considering your contributions to the Pogues of no consequence.
1) Ian Rankin, for using you as a whipping boy on this blog in past posts, when I should have used Iain Banks.
1) Franz Kafka, for finding your prose tedious to the point of despair, and your despair tedious to the point of prose.
1) Don Delillo, for not reading a single word of your books because I hate your name.
1) To all Jennifers, for using the name Jennifer for every female character I write.
1) Don Delillo again, as the more I think about that name, the more irritated I become.
1) My body, for eating that whole bag of marshmallows.
1) Anyone reading this tripe.
1) The inventors of cheese, for finding your product disgusting and reprehensible.