OK: Say you are a reader. Say you actually like to read books and take pleasure in other people’s words and ideas. Say, after so many years reading these books, you decide to give up reading them in print, and switch to online or via kindle. Busy life and all that. No room in the satchel for a lumpy Charles Dickens or slim Aimee Bender. You are a go-getter. You gulp down lattes and say “no rest for the wicked.” Go you.So: Now that you are reading books in a digital medium, a thought occurs to you: ‘Hey . . . I wonder if I could download these books as a torrent? Well, why not? I mean, all that music I downloaded last year from Rapidshare and other morally dubious file-hosting websites was free. Why not books? I mean, I earn enough money to own a kindle, so why should I have to pay for other things? Why can’t I spend that money on Nigerian whores or cheese?’
Indeed. So there you go, logging onto everything4free.net, downloading every new release reviewed in the Guardian that week. Well done. You have stolen forty novels and have helped publishing in its goal to be replaced by Rupert Murdoch's Asian cable channels. So what now? Where do you possibly begin with this e-sack of illegal loot?
I mean, it takes you about a month to get through one book, doesn’t it, because you are a slow reader, aren’t you, yes, you read slowly because you are too busy exchanging witty summaries of your exciting life to your chic urbanite friends who power-walk and do lunch and other repulsive vacuities of our repugnant capitalist world, yes, and you couldn’t possibly get to that new J.M. Coetzee when you are still reading that Martin Amis from 2008, and you like Martin Amis, but he doesn’t half go on much, but you recognise his name, and you must like him, you must, because his views on warmenlovepolitics chime with your own and he appeals to your bourgeois sensibilities, and you will get to J.M. Coetzee at some point but, ooh, he’s a little offbeat and I’m not sure I’ll like him, so in all actuality I'll probably never get around to reading him, I’ll stick with Martin, yes, because I know him, he is a voice I trust, and at this time in my life I don’t really want to be experimenting with new writers, it’s not like I have the time to read him anyway, no, what with the meal-eating with friends and the work, and the going to see bands and pretending I’m still young and the hilarity I have with my friends, oh my many, my varied and many friends who also read one book per year but make $299K in the city, yes, we can’t possibly read with our schedules, no, we must exercise, watch films, watch reality TV ironically, no, we have no place for books in our lives, no, no, I don’t know why I got the Kindle to begin with.
My question then: HOW DO YOU ILLEGAL DOWNLOADERS EVER GET AROUND TO READING ANY OF YOUR THIEVINGS????
What? What’s that? Oh, you don’t? Of course you don’t, you peasants. So please: Get your dirty thieving e-paws of our beautiful books, you repulsive crooks, and get back behind your desks and listen to your Jamie Cullum. For Cullum is the way for you, and Coetzee is the way for us. Thank you.
*snarfle* Nice lashing!
ReplyDeleteThough... I'm a power walker... though I usually read while I am walking, so maybe that balances it a little.
Very good point though, that if someone can afford a Kindle, they can certainly afford the $3.99 a month for the book they can actually fit in.
I really really really want a kindle or similar. It's all about how much I can hold in my hand on the train. Hmmmm. Illegally downloading books. Good tip. :)
ReplyDeletehey, Mark. Almost done here in South Tyrol. You'll never guess what I took a picture of today.
Hart: Snarf! Snarf! A snarfle must be a mini-snarf.
ReplyDeleteChris: Paperbacks usually solve the space problem. And what pic? What pic?
An articulate and well thought out rant. It makes me feel rather good. Thanks for this.
ReplyDeleteHave a nice day, Boonsong
I'm one of those people who support the book industry by buying books I have no intention of ever reading. Like a new Coetzee I bought just the other day. In a few years I'll probably buy it again, as a vintage Coetzee. Since I never got around to read it, I will have forgotten that I already bought it, and not worry about a thing until I discover I own two copies of the same book. If I had a kindle (Kindle?) I would without a doubt also have an index of sorts that hindered me from making multiple purchases of the same item. Thus the publishing industry would die a little faster. As it is, I am single-handedly keeping it alive for another decade or so.
ReplyDeleteGreetings Boonsong! The well-spoken professional blogging gent is welcome in Quiddity.
ReplyDeleteCruella will save us! Or, at least, keep Coetzee in pens and shoes. He does get through 'em.
christ, i hope you are still in your teens.
ReplyDelete^ Erm... who are you? And why are you anonymous? And why the lower case? And have you had your irony glands removed?
ReplyDeleteSome people can't get their tongue in their cheek. Oh well.
ReplyDeleteUm, the pic. Hmmm. It's a picture a took in Venice yesterday.
Hysterical. And hear frickin' hear.
ReplyDeleteB
Excellent post, but a truly bizarre blog, M.J. I guess I'll have to come back here a lot to figure it all out.
ReplyDeleteHello newcomers! Bizarre, Patricia? Moi? No no no no. Come back whenever you like. :)
ReplyDeleteI don't want a Kindle. It doesn't smell like a book.
ReplyDelete