Flush Fiction

Why are there never any reading materials in public toilets?

Say I go into the stall in a restaurant bathroom for a number two. I don’t want to walk past men at the urinals carrying a book, because this is odd behaviour, and I want to keep odd behaviour to a minimum in public life, so I have to go in there with nothing. If I have partaken in a hearty meal, I will be in there for 5-10 minutes, which seems the perfect length to read a short piece.

So here’s what I propose: Flush Fiction. Each public toilet should have a writer-in-residence. Their task is to compose short stories on one or two sheets of toilet paper. The stories don’t have to be brilliant: basic Man A does Thing B and ends in Happiness C stuff. The point is, the stories will keep the user occupied during their time on the toilet, and they can use the story afterwards to wipe themselves.

The prospect of having someone wipe their bum with an original work of yours might seem ghastly, but think of the practise. You will write so many little vignettes that a genius idea is bound to spark. You will soon be on the bestseller list, courtesy of those hours of forced writing. You can do this work from home: sheets of loo roll can be shipped to the writer, who writes their work along a roll, respools it, then sends it to the establishment.

The classier the location, the different the stories. Swanky eateries require Victorian yarns or comedies-of-manners, whereas your fast food joints will make do any potboiler or bonkbuster. There is no telling what people will like, of course, so be as eclectic as you can. Stalls could even be divided into various genres, meaning women will get a more diverse reading experience, which is fine, as women read more than men on average.

Write to your local restaurant. Say you demand Flush Fiction in their stalls at once. Say you refuse to sit there staring at graffiti which, although mini-narratives in their own right, lack a proper story arc. Give public toilets the stories they deserve.