Thursday, 19 August 2010


1) Since our Hattist performance at the Book Trust, where we received a standing ovation and groupies a-go-go, there have been plans to build a giant floating fez-ship over Edinburgh, keeping watch over the non-hat-wearing population. The fez-ship will contain lasers to keep the docile consumer masses in their proper headgear before the Sultan of the Hat returns. This ship, Uncle Fezter, or another fez pun, will be powered by HIM.

2) I am addicted to cuddlecore music. I am talking about Cub, Bunnygrunt and The Muffs. These bands write twee pop songs with childish melodies that makes one want to get up and dance and shed ice-blue panties. I have come to realise how much of a slave I am for a cute pop hook and I do not care what the cooler-than-thou crowd says.

3) I am nearing the end of a fifteen-book Gilbert Sorrentino marathon, and I never want to write anything linear ever again. I want to hide in a cave and carve postmodern stories into walls, lapidate passersby, and send abusive smoke signals to the “civilised” world. Gilbert has changed how I think about narrative composition and ice-blue panties.

4) In Chris Bachelder’s U.S.!, a great fuss is made about the excessive usage of exclamation points in the novels of Upton Sinclair. I have decided, to forge a more positive outlook, to end every sentence I write in exclamation points! This technique is a lesser-known Oulipian quirk, and within good reason! Can you imagine reading a whole novel like this! You would be either outraged or amused! I imagine outraged, though!

5) Before I start the second year of my Napier MA, I am undergoing an airborne sex change. I demand that the operation be performed while hurtling through the air at 10,000ft. The complicated procedure will be conducted within a floating gazebo, decorated by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen (remember him?) and my doctors will be former cast members of E.R.


  1. You're a nut! I think I like this exclamation point thing! And ice blue panties on a man with skinny legs! And the name Bunnygrunt, even if I am undecided on the music! But the hattist movement, that I don't get!

  2. Yay! I like this! I will also write a novel with all exclamation points! Then we can start a novel novel movement, Exclamationism! And if it fails as a literary period we can always use it as a name for another religion! It can be the complete opposite of Digressionism! Only with exclamation points!

    "Father, I have sinneth!"
    "Well, forty-five exclamation points and one angry interrogative for you!"
    "There you go!"

  3. I might be able to hook you up with Gloria Reuben (ex of E.R.). She has very steady hands.


  4. Tart: Know what you mean! I prefer muffs to grunting bunnies any day! Hattist movement was an MA project of mine!

    CC: Exclamationism is go! I expect your next blog post to be written like this! And your thesis too! How much more exciting US history will be with exclamations!

    Alex: She will!

    Barb: Yes! You must introduce us! I hear she too is an Exclamationist!